So two things happened in the world of
parenting today – and when I say 'world of parenting', I mean 'my
little isolated bubble of questionable parenting that I live in'.
One of these things that happened is that I got peed on for the very
first time by Henry (I don't know why I feel the need to state “by
Henry”, giving you all the idea that I get peed on by random people
all the time but by jolly, never by Henry) Since Henry has just
turned two and for this to be the first time a stream of urine landed
in my general direction, well, I guess that's pretty good. I can't
say that I enjoyed being peed on and I would go so far to say that I
was quite unenjoyed (I'm making that word up spell check) by the whole
experience.
I'm not sure what possessed Andy to
decide to try our first ever attempt at potty training tonight,
around twenty minutes before Henry was due to go to bed.
Personally, I think that might be the absolute worst time to first
attempt to potty train, save being those times when you are suddenly
on fire or those times when you have bears gnawing on your toes.
But right before bedtime? Totally number 3 after fire and bears.
At first I didn't think anything of it.
I wasn't really paying attention after all. It was 6:40 PM. It was
Daddy time. I was checking Facebook and foolishly watching 'Bet on
Your Baby!” when I heard the motoring rumble of the Lightening
McQueen kiddie potty go off. Andy was having Henry sit on the
Lightening McQueen potty fully clothed (and diapered) urging him to
pee or poo. Andy may have been making grunting noises for
inspiration. While Henry enjoyed sitting on the potty, he mostly
liked pushing the little lever on the side that 'flushes' – or
makes a car revving noise – then sticking his foot in the bowl.
Andy correctly said, “we don't stick our feet in the imaginary
poo”. After seeing this was going nowhere, Andy decided to
completely undress Henry, including his diaper so that Henry could
(and I quote) “see what it really feels like”.
Like most boys (not just toddlers),
once naked it is Happy Time. Happy Time means running around the
house jumping on things and giving screams and frantic giggles. I'm
sure little girls do this too, but I don't have one so I'm going to
make some unfounded generalization that boys must get some delight in
having their penises bounce up and down like a superball on a
trampoline. Whatever. The whole point of this is that at one point
Henry came over to me while I was very much minding my own business
to sit on my lap. Not that I mind Henry sitting on my lap, I love
it, I just get in red alert mode when he happens to be sitting on my
lap naked.
Of course this is when Andy says, “Come
and pee in the potty.”
Which to be fair to Henry sounds an
awful lot like, “Come and pee on the Mommy.”
So excuse me for a second while I go
and switch over the laundry.
(15 minutes later...)
Right then...So the 2nd
thing that happened today is that Henry climbed out of his crib for
the first time. My story is like most others, I had put him down
for a nap and when I went back to check on him, he wasn't in the crib
anymore. OK, OK, I might have lied a bit. It wasn't a nap really,
since it was late in the day (way past his normal napping time). He
was getting grumpy and shouty and we had a big fight on why on earth
would he want the empty train box when all the trains were already
out and I'm going to put the box over here on this tall thing you
can't reach and wah wah tantrum wah wah, that's it – you are going
to bed for your nap mister! Except I knew he wouldn't nap since
it's was too late in the day but I knew we both needed some time
apart for a bit so I stuck him in his crib for a half hour to think
about what it was about that box that was so damn special. I'm not
the only one who does that right?
So yeah, when I went back to check on
him a half hour later, there he was, out of the crib, smiling with
that shit eating grin that I know he gets from me. I didn't quite
believe it at first. I thought, “well, I THINK I put him in his
crib but maybe I was thinking about balloon animals or something and
just put him on the floor.” Like all responsible parents would do
in this situation I said, “show Mommy how you climbed out.”
I put him back in his crib. I saw him
smile again. I saw as he used his weird ass monkey grippy feet he
got from Andy to climb up the side. I saw as he was half way over
head first. Amused, I thought to myself, “wonder how he's going
to straighten himself out!” Except he didn't. Straighten
himself out that is. It was head first into the carpet with a nice
carpet burn on his forehead to show for it. I responded too late. I
thought to myself that perhaps I shouldn't have made him do it again
in the first place. Maybe that is why he peed on me tonight. It
really is hard to say but I know that he wasn't smiling the 2nd
time he came over and while we have tested (not encouraged) his
climbing skills two more times this evening (there are now pillows
down there), he hasn't tried it again. I hope he doesn't try it
again, I am so not ready for the toddler bed. Or the “hey! I'm
not caged in! I'm going to play with all my cars until 3 in the
morning because I don't have an Off switch like other kids! I only
sleep when I'm bored! And if I have cars, I'm never bored! Hurray!”
bed.
