So two things happened in the world of parenting today – and when I say 'world of parenting', I mean 'my little isolated bubble of questionable parenting that I live in'. One of these things that happened is that I got peed on for the very first time by Henry (I don't know why I feel the need to state “by Henry”, giving you all the idea that I get peed on by random people all the time but by jolly, never by Henry) Since Henry has just turned two and for this to be the first time a stream of urine landed in my general direction, well, I guess that's pretty good. I can't say that I enjoyed being peed on and I would go so far to say that I was quite unenjoyed (I'm making that word up spell check) by the whole experience.
I'm not sure what possessed Andy to decide to try our first ever attempt at potty training tonight, around twenty minutes before Henry was due to go to bed. Personally, I think that might be the absolute worst time to first attempt to potty train, save being those times when you are suddenly on fire or those times when you have bears gnawing on your toes. But right before bedtime? Totally number 3 after fire and bears.
At first I didn't think anything of it. I wasn't really paying attention after all. It was 6:40 PM. It was Daddy time. I was checking Facebook and foolishly watching 'Bet on Your Baby!” when I heard the motoring rumble of the Lightening McQueen kiddie potty go off. Andy was having Henry sit on the Lightening McQueen potty fully clothed (and diapered) urging him to pee or poo. Andy may have been making grunting noises for inspiration. While Henry enjoyed sitting on the potty, he mostly liked pushing the little lever on the side that 'flushes' – or makes a car revving noise – then sticking his foot in the bowl. Andy correctly said, “we don't stick our feet in the imaginary poo”. After seeing this was going nowhere, Andy decided to completely undress Henry, including his diaper so that Henry could (and I quote) “see what it really feels like”.
Like most boys (not just toddlers), once naked it is Happy Time. Happy Time means running around the house jumping on things and giving screams and frantic giggles. I'm sure little girls do this too, but I don't have one so I'm going to make some unfounded generalization that boys must get some delight in having their penises bounce up and down like a superball on a trampoline. Whatever. The whole point of this is that at one point Henry came over to me while I was very much minding my own business to sit on my lap. Not that I mind Henry sitting on my lap, I love it, I just get in red alert mode when he happens to be sitting on my lap naked.
Of course this is when Andy says, “Come and pee in the potty.”
Which to be fair to Henry sounds an awful lot like, “Come and pee on the Mommy.”
So excuse me for a second while I go and switch over the laundry.
(15 minutes later...)
Right then...So the 2nd thing that happened today is that Henry climbed out of his crib for the first time. My story is like most others, I had put him down for a nap and when I went back to check on him, he wasn't in the crib anymore. OK, OK, I might have lied a bit. It wasn't a nap really, since it was late in the day (way past his normal napping time). He was getting grumpy and shouty and we had a big fight on why on earth would he want the empty train box when all the trains were already out and I'm going to put the box over here on this tall thing you can't reach and wah wah tantrum wah wah, that's it – you are going to bed for your nap mister! Except I knew he wouldn't nap since it's was too late in the day but I knew we both needed some time apart for a bit so I stuck him in his crib for a half hour to think about what it was about that box that was so damn special. I'm not the only one who does that right?
So yeah, when I went back to check on him a half hour later, there he was, out of the crib, smiling with that shit eating grin that I know he gets from me. I didn't quite believe it at first. I thought, “well, I THINK I put him in his crib but maybe I was thinking about balloon animals or something and just put him on the floor.” Like all responsible parents would do in this situation I said, “show Mommy how you climbed out.”
I put him back in his crib. I saw him smile again. I saw as he used his weird ass monkey grippy feet he got from Andy to climb up the side. I saw as he was half way over head first. Amused, I thought to myself, “wonder how he's going to straighten himself out!” Except he didn't. Straighten himself out that is. It was head first into the carpet with a nice carpet burn on his forehead to show for it. I responded too late. I thought to myself that perhaps I shouldn't have made him do it again in the first place. Maybe that is why he peed on me tonight. It really is hard to say but I know that he wasn't smiling the 2nd time he came over and while we have tested (not encouraged) his climbing skills two more times this evening (there are now pillows down there), he hasn't tried it again. I hope he doesn't try it again, I am so not ready for the toddler bed. Or the “hey! I'm not caged in! I'm going to play with all my cars until 3 in the morning because I don't have an Off switch like other kids! I only sleep when I'm bored! And if I have cars, I'm never bored! Hurray!” bed.